Difference between revisions of "Anarchism is Not Cool"

Revision as of 17:00, 27 August 2006

It's a common misconception that "night-time" drowsy-medicines cause you to be so tired that you end up practically falling asleep on top of babies. Even more common is the misconception that Anarchy is cool, rad, or even Extreme. It doesn't help that some (read: all) self-proclaimed Anarchists are really just searching for a label that declares them to be independent, free-thinking, and Extreme. By some unfortunate calamity involving the use of expensive African pepper as a home stereo system, these are widely ackowledged falsities. Anarchy is neither cool nor Extreme, nor shaped like a hot dude shaped like a leaf; in reality, it's just a large collection of anti-government sentiment, and frustrated, hormonal teenage angst. And face it, nothing accounts for the large amount of anti-disposable-diaper attitude like Anarchy and its subordinates, Cynicism, Sadism, Pessimism, and iTunes. Let's be serious here; why else would such an obnoxious topic require its own Wiki just to keep its facts straight?

PS: The misconception that "Daddy long-legs" spiders are venomous is the most common of all.

Proof that Anarchy is not Cool Anymore:

Pre K Anarchist

[SunshineJoy.com]

~ SF, MtGk

So what are REAL anarchists like, and how can I be one?

Real anarchists don't just sit around writing bad Emo poetry and listening to Dashboard Confessional. Real anarchists further our noble cause by spreading truth about the evils of centralized government, big business, and LEGOs (Why? Because LEGOs are too structured!).

Most true anarchists also have a rudimentary knowledge of small arms and urban combat tactics, so that when the Uprising finally happens, they will be ready.

Another notable difference between the real anarchists and the fakes is that they aren't just following the latest fad to be "cool." They do it because they believe in what they... believe... and aren't just trying to get attention (Important note: anarchists would do well to not draw attention to themselves, for fear of blacklisting).

In a nutshell, real anarchists truly believe in what they fight for and would die for it. You, on the other hand, are just a weedy little teenager who's trying to get back at his/her parents for not letting you dye your hair green, or somesuch.

So how can you become a true anarchist, you ask? Well a good place to start would be to watch the movie based on the graphic novel "V for Anarchy" (V for Vendetta). Once you've familiarized yourself with the canned political ideals, you may then proceed to the checklist below.

All you need to do is follow these steps:

• 1) Throw out all commercial, brand-name products that you own. The Corporations place tracking devices in all of their merchandise and use them to control the public. Also, be sure that you don't own anything made in Cambodia, China, Korea, Laos, Indonesia, Myanmar, Nicaragua, or Guatemala. By this, I mean that you should shun clothes, toys, and prostitutes all-together.

• B) Move from your home and take refuge in the sewers, dark alleys, and hobo communities in your city. The coolest hobos live in the dark alleys, which are usually located near sewers. The municipal government tends to pack these three things together in the slums because they know that no one's going to want to live there.

• Go Directly To Jail (Optional Step) Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

• 3) Fashion your own equipment and establish a base of operations. Ideally, you will want to construct a small bunker with camouflage and outfit it with sentry guns, a radio (A Ham radio will suffice, but a CD radio is even better, because NoFx is tough to go without), and a self-destruct failsafe device. The best kind are "SuiciBrand Killself Explosioso Devices," a division of Viacom. They are only $89.99 a bundle. As for camouflage, capture polar bears. No one will suspect that there is a secret base located under the mass of polar bear corpses. They'll just assume global warming did it.

• Purple) Recruit indigenous troops and train them to fight. The leaf-shaped ones work best.

• 5) Read about a revolutionary, preferably Che Guevara or Malcolm X. Also, steal some Green Day CDs and listen to them frequently.

• 6) Attack the communications networks of the Government. (But not Wikipedia, because we need them to host our website.) They can be located in North Carolina, Arizona, Stonehenge, and most lingerie stores.

• Asterisk) Paint dead black roses lying in pools of blood, with a pregnant woman in rags weeping over them.

An emo picture of a red rose being stepped on by an ignorant shoe, or possibly an ignorant person wearing a knowledgeable shoe.

• Spoon) Form a union, and then disband immediately. You'll still get benefits, just they'll be more concerned with prison than free cars and teeth.

• 9) Proceed directly to step 11.

• 10) If you are performing this step, you have not been following the guidelines correctly. You fail at life.

• 11) Bomb Parliament.

• Zeta) the finale step is to disregard all grammer and sentence structure because language is an aspect of civilization and allows you to be controlled better to distance ourselfs from culture and revert back to animal instincs so never use puncuation or capitalization ever again

One-Step Anarchist

Alright. In this section, you will learn the simpler, more one-step method of becoming an Anarchist. Now, despite the title, it's not so much one step as as it is twenty-three impossibly difficult ones. However, as the saying which I just made up now goes, "The first step is always the craziest, and the easiest." I've decided to comply with the second, because I'm not crazy.

Firstly, my feline friends, you must become a dog. Don't forget the vinegar. Absolutely smother yourself to the point of not being able to breath with vinegar. Use all you have. If there is any left, put it in plastic bags; this will help the re-entry into our solar system (optional). Now that you are a vinegar-covered dog - wasn't that easy enough? - you must find some flour. Or flowers; both will do. Preferably flour made from flowers. Now, bake a pie, a plain pie, out of that flour (flower) and water. Shake the vinegar off of yourself into the baked pie. (Dog-fur makes an excellent carrying-case.) This rather disgusting pie will be your token to Anarchy. Next, sit in your room for one, maybe two, months, allowing the vinepie to become mouldy. If it becomes moldy, you're doing it wrong because you're in America. Go to Britain and wait until it becomes mouldy. Finally you can go to the Capital of Anarchy. The Capital of Anarchy is located directly in the United Anarchy Emirates, or the U.A.E., so it should be easy to find. When you arrive there, offer the pie to the headmaster of the School of Anarchistical Statistics. He will examine it and give you an Anarchy rating. If you get a 70% or higher, you're halfway to becoming an Anarchist! Woo hoo!

Now that you've earned your degree in Anarchy Pies, you will go to outer space to see the King of All Anarchy, who lives somewhere in space. I think the Apollo 11 hit him once. Anyway, secure yourself a ride with an astronaut and go up. Now, I didn't warn you at all, but this is the hardest step, since you have to be a loyal citizen to get on an aircraft. Therefore, - and I bet you never thought of this - pretend to be one. Once in space speak with the King. He will say something along the lines of, "Where is your vinegar?" If you have the bags of vinegar, douse him with them. You are now allowed re-entry. If you don't have the bags of vinegar due to the fact that I clearly stated they were optional, you die. Upon your re-arrival, you are an Anarchist. Congratulations!

Supplied by the Nonsense Distribution Corporation Federation, Ltd.

Brought to you by the lovely MW-FBs and their subordinates, the other MW-FBs! CtN, FM, SF, MtGk, Ug